Ok, so maybe sappy isn't the right word for how I'm feeling tonight (I guess it's technically this morning...) I'll just start from the beginning. So about 3ish hours ago, I started watching disc 3 of season 3 of Gossip Girl. My friend Miranda got me obsessed and now I'm trying to catch up so I've been watching all the seasons. Side note: it's really good!! Back to the point. About an hour ago, I started crying. Why? I have no idea. Nothing sad was going on in the show and so I was very confused as to why I was suddenly tearing up. As I continued watching Gossip Girl, it hit me. I was crying because I hate being single. I know, it's a stupid reason to be crying but in all honesty, being single for 4 years with only 2 dates during those 4 years absolutely sucks. I miss having a boyfriend, I miss going on dates or staying in and watching a movie, I miss walking around holding hands and cuddling. I've seen so many relationships start this past year and I've been to two weddings so far this year and for some reason, it is just tearing me up inside about being single. The thing that is killing me is that I thought I was ok with the fact that I was single. I mean, I guess if I'm being honest it's always bothered me but I thought I'd come to grips with the fact that when the time was right, I'd stop being single. It was during my sophomore year of college that I'd come to the decision to be fine with being single. I had prayed that God would give me peace about it and at least for a year, I felt that peace and I was truly ok with it. So why is this coming up now? There are so many thoughts that are in my head and to be perfectly honest, all of them are questions that focus on what's wrong with me. Why have I been single for 4 years? Why can't I get a date to save my life? Am I not good enough? Am I not pretty enough? Is there something about me that guys don't like? I've never felt more like an insecure teenage girl than I do right now.
I know that God makes everything work together for my good. I know that when the time is right, God will give me a man that is more amazing that I've ever dreamed of. I know that he will love me more than I deserve and he will help me grow in my relationship with Christ. I know all of these things, so why is it so hard for me to trust in it? I feel so ready to have this perfect guy that God has picked out for me and I just don't understand why after so many bad past relationships I still have to keep waiting. I'm not a very patient person and I feel my patience dwindling day after day. I know that this is all probably God testing me and its His way of getting me to trust Him more. I know I need to and I want to because I know not trusting God is worse than trusting in the unknown of what God will do in my life.
Sorry this post was so long, I just needed to somehow get all this out. This nice thing is that I'm not alone in this whole "I hate being single" ordeal. Good night lovelies! :)
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