No sleep=breakdown

This past weekend I went on a retreat with my church. The retreat was called A Retreat from Apathy. It was really awesome and really opened my eyes to putting God in the center of my whole life and in everything I do. While the retreat was amazing and totally worth it, I got less than 9 hours of sleep....for the whole weekend. And for me, sleep is something I have to have. Like, I love sleeping. For those that know me, when I get really sleepy I get to be one of two things. Either I get really slap-happy and giggly or I get really emotional or grouchy. Unfortunately for me, I was both of those things last night. For the majority of the afternoon/evening I was pretty slap-happy and giggly. Later on, as I was talking to one heck of a fish daughter (whoo hooo!) I became very emotional. At fish school last night we had talked about God's will for our lives and how in order for us to figure it out, we have to let go of whatever control we want/have. At times, we are so selfish in asking God to make something happen for us. God already had a plan for our lives even before we were born. I don't know about you, but that's pretty mind-blowing to me. He already knew my whole life and what I was going to be and where I was going to end up? Wow. Pure craziness right there. Anyways...so I began thinking of all the decisions I have to make. Decisions which have to be made in the next several weeks. There are several problems that arise from this situation. One: I am a horrible decision maker. Two: How do I know which decision is right? Three: What if I make the wrong one and everything goes chaotic? Four: I DON'T want to make any of these decisions. 

So that makes me kind of at a crossroad. I don't want to make these decisions but I have to. Because of all this over-analyzing going on in my head last night, I preceded to have a breakdown. It was really sudden which made it worse. And it was right before my leadership meeting...great timing right? Fortunately for me, my bff Lo saw me as my breakdown was starting to happen and she pulled me aside and waited for me to spill (because she knew I would). Here's how it went down..."I don't want to make any of these decisions and there are too many decisions and what if that and what if this and blah blah blah" Seriously I can't even understand my mind sometimes. All these questions and concerns and fears come flooding out and I didn't even realize I had all these things in my head! I was just so suddenly overwhelmed that everything was a much bigger deal than it really was. I mean, these decisions are kind of big life decisions but in all honesty? Not doing me much good going around and having all these meltdowns. I mean, I know that I need to trust God completely and just stop worrying and stressing about all this. But that's easier said than done. And for a person like me who worries and stresses out like it's my job? It makes it harder to just simply give that up. I sometimes feel like I'm holding on so tightly to a life preserver so that I don't drown in all this stress and worry that is of the world. I hold on like it's giving me a "sense of security" when it's really giving me all these fears. Like if I don't hold on, everything will fall apart. I wonder what would happen if I just let go. 

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, " declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. "